Unconditional Love

I am not the type of guy who likes to express my emotions when it comes to sadness. However, I am hoping that writing this will help provide some relief as I sit here in pain. Today I had that moment that everybody fears. The phone call from your dad while you are at work. It is rarely a good sign, especially under the current circumstances.

To provide a bit of a back story, Copper was diagnosed with cancer in early January. Over the past few months it has been a struggle getting him to eat. I can’t imagine how hard it was on my mom seeing it every day. I really do ask that you keep her in your thoughts and prayers. This morning all of the kids got a text from mom saying they were taking Copper to the vet because he fell down the stairs. I was nervous, but to be honest I wasn’t very worried. Then about 2 hours later I got a call from dad and I fell apart before answering. I knew something was wrong, and I didn’t want to answer. It can’t be bad if I never hear about it.

Dad tried his hardest to explain the situation as we both spent all our energy trying to hold it together on the phone. We failed. Copper had been fighting so hard for 3 months, and it had finally hit that point. This morning they had to put Copper to sleep. Eight years wasn’t enough. I don’t think I have ever felt so broken and sad in my life. I hung up and headed to the bathroom and by the grace of God nobody was in there to see me. I went into a stall and wept like a child for probably 15 minutes.

I am not trying to turn this into something about me, but situations like this are why I have always been skeptical of relationships. I don’t fear the relationship itself. I fear this pain and sadness. The toll it takes on me investing myself in someone not knowing if they will invest the same. Giving so much of myself to someone only to have it taken away.

So now I try my best to keep people at arms length. By no means am I saying I should live like that, but I feel like I should be open about myself during this time. I try to put on a mask that I am strong and cold, but in reality I am driven by emotions and weak. I hide behind humor because I don’t want people to see who I am. Scared that I will be viewed differently or taken advantage of.

As I type this I am having one of those good cries. The ones where snot is everywhere, you make weird noises, and you can barely see. The crying that will ruin the shirt and pants you are wearing. Copper really gave his all for us, and never expected anything in return. I wish I could have been there for him to help ease his pain. Sure he was just a dog, but he was so much more than that to me and my family. He was my brother. I don’t know of anybody who was ever as happy to see me as him.  Even towards the end he would try his best to act like everything was ok. I feel so bad thinking that he was the one trying to lift my spirits. How selfish of me, but how selfless of him. Him knowing and feeling so much pain, but putting this aside because I might be having a bad day. You the real MVP.

I will really miss him, and I do not look forward to the first time I go to my parents without him there. I don’t want to see an empty front door. I want to worry about him stealing my napkin from the dinner table. I want my pants to have dog hair all over them. I want to walk inside wearing clean clothes only to have them destroyed by slobber. It feels dumb asking for your prayers since I don’t like asking for help. But please keep me in your thoughts, along with the rest of my family. Sure Copper was a hassle sometimes, but that was only because he was still a child at heart.

It is going to take me awhile to get back to normal from this. I am devastated. I love you Copper and I thank you for 8 great years. You will be missed.

 

Looking Back at 2014

Last year was a big year for many different reasons. It was not necessarily a great year for this photography blog, but it was a year full of many big changes for me and my family. Like most years, nothing typically happens the first few months of the year. Those are the months that I hibernate indoors. So I will just skip over those boring details and start with our vacation to Sarasota.

Regretfully it was still during tax season, so my dad was not present. But the rest of the family, and one of Alex’s friends headed down to Florida for an amazing week. I probably was going to enjoy it no matter the weather since going to Sarasota meant going to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. If you do not know me, you probably would not know about my obsession with the Harry Potter books, music, movies, and all things connected. My car is named Lily after all, and I might have a Hogwarts puzzle hanging in my room. Sorry, I got distracted, back to the beach photos.

I had two new books, my camera, and nothing to do for a week. It was a great time to relax and was just the start of all the changes this year would bring.

The next big event was not for me, but for my little sister. In May she graduated from THE University of Tennessee. It was a good moment since that moved up the Vol Alumni count in our family. I am sure it was a time full of mixed feelings for her. It is exciting graduating college, but it is also a stressful time since so many people do not know what their next step is.

Two pictures of Sorority Row  on campus. The first is the summer before her Junior year right before they opened. The second is two years later after she graduated. Amazing what two years and some landscaping will do. (not quite at the same angle)

Then in June I got a new job. I had been at Kroger as a Transportation Planner for almost 3 years, and it was starting to show. I enjoyed some aspects of the job, but it was finally time to move on. I now work as a Transportation Analyst for OHL. It has been a great 6 months so far. It was hard at the beginning since I was not an Excel guru, but each day I leave feeling like I have provided value to the company.

The new job meant moving to a new side of the city. I was not going to deal with the stresses of i440 every day. So for the first few months I lived with my Aunt and Uncle. It was a great time, and I am extremely grateful that they took me in for so long. Also, it was nice getting to spend some time with some other dogs.

 

My cousin had two new additions to their family over the summer. It was a crazy time for all of them due to some of the health problems with Hudson. Seeing the twins today you would never think that Hudson was the one with all of the heart surgeries.

 

Being on the Brentwood side of town meant changing where I rode my bike. I spent probably 3-4 days a week riding Percy Warner. It was a challenge at the beginning since I was not used to so many hills. However, after a few weeks ofsome mental/physical pushing, I was going around the loop faster and faster each ride.  The one bad thing was I could not ride my recent single speed converted bike as much.

Moving to the other side of town also meant not seeing a few dogs as much.

September easily was the craziest month of the year. After months of searching with my amazing real estate agents Tammy and Mark Edwards I found my home. It was a VERY stressful first few weeks of being a homeowner, but it did not take long for the place to feel like home. All it needed was some paint, cleaning, and money haha. I am just a few miles from work, near lots of pizza restaurants, and within running distance of a small greenway. But the big focus of September was my older sister getting married. It was an incredible event, and I guess my dad would say “it should be” haha. Typically I do not enjoy events with lots of people, but that was a day I will always remember.

After the wedding is when the Fall season started to kick in. Now I won’t say I hate the Fall, but this is when my Winter blues start to kick in. I can’t seem to enjoy riding my bike in the cold, and with it getting dark so early I had to stop riding after work. Thankfully over the fall I was able to take some pictures around town, and at Gatlinburg for a weekend getaway with my family.

Enter December and the first Christmas at my new home. It was overall a very relaxing month since I had some vacation days to use. It is a weird feeling sitting on you own couch and in your own home. I guess I finally grew up. Well somewhat, I still spend lots of nights watching Harry Potter movies with the three kids, aka my bikes.

Part of my Grandmother’s Snow Village.

Rachel has even started her own. I love the Griswold house.

It was a great Christmas. I spent a few days at my parents house. So it meant lots of bonding time with Copper. And those other people that live there.

2014 was a great year, and 2015 looks to be as well. I mean it did start with Alabama losing and the Vols winning in their bowl games.

Outside of photos, here are two videos I made this year.