Not Good Enough

I remember the first time I rode my bike over 10 miles back in Knoxville. At the end I thought I had accomplished some great feat.

I remember the first time I rode from Ride615 to downtown and back. (22 miles round trip) At the time this was an obstacle I told myself I could not do. It was hot and far for me, but I had friends with me to help along the way.

I remember the first time I rode in Percy Warner park. We entered it at mile 40, which at the time was the farthest I had ever rode. Halfway in I thought I was never going to make it. My legs hurt and I didn’t think I could go on, but another random rider was by my side the whole time pushing me along.

I remember the first time I rode a metric century. With only 5ish miles left I started getting really bad cramps in my thighs. I stopped on the side of the road and told myself I couldn’t do it. That I had nothing left to give. No water, no food, and I was by myself. But I knew my parents were at the end, so I pushed on.

I remember the first time I attempted a crit race. About 3 laps in my legs and mind were screaming you can’t do this. I had never hit this intensity level before. The voices were saying I could not go another lap.

However, I had other cyclist yelling for me on the side, so I kept going. I gave it every ounce of effort I had, but it wasn’t enough. Sure I didn’t finish the race, but I found out that the barriers I had set for myself could be pushed further.

I remember the first time I rode up the mountain to the cabin we were staying at in Gatlinburg. The hill is so steep that when I was leaving I actually had to walk down parts of it because my brakes weren’t slowing me down enough. I told myself there was no way I was going to be able to ride up this when I come back. With about 200 yards left I could hear my mom and dad yelling support for me. So I told my legs to deal with it and pushed on.

If there is one trend among all of these moments it is that I was being told I am not good enough. Not strong enough. That it couldn’t be done. The worst part is that it wasn’t other people telling me this. It was me. I was my worst enemy; my biggest critic.

 

These experiences may show that the demons in my head are loud, but they also show that they are weak. Each time they told me I couldn’t do something, I found out I could. I proved myself wrong time and time again, yet I still continually tell myself that something can’t be done. My mind is always there trying to limit what I do. Stay safe, comfortable, and to not work hard.

Over the past week or two I have been wondering why I listen, or why I tell myself these things in the first place. Do I have my best interest in mind, or are these voices trying to prevent me from accomplishing great things?

 

What else is out there that I should be trying? What else is there that I don’t think I can do, but in reality could? So I sit here wondering if I should play it safe, or if I should armor up and go to war. Tell these voices that I am strong, that I will try my best. I won’t go into much detail, but it has me almost re-evaluating the things that make me who I am right now. Seeking comfort is something I have done for years, but now I am wondering if God has been trying to tell me to stop doing this. That there is something else out there. That it will take risk, sacrifice, effort, and above all trust. I don’t really know what that is, or if it is true, but maybe I am living a life at the barriers I set up for myself. Not knowing that I could climb the wall and go much further. So maybe instead of listening to the voices that tell me I am not good enough, I should show them that I am.

 

2017 in Review

It has been an interesting year. Some highs,  lows, and then times of cruise control. I started working at a new company, had to say goodbye to a family pet, saw my little sister get married, and so much more. It was a year of pushing myself to my limits physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

I would be lying if I said the year started out on a high. Sure I was starting at a place that actually wanted to invest in me, but new jobs bring on tons of new stresses. The transition was very taxing on me. I no longer had the great friends I had developed at my previous place. I was now responsible for many more things, and during this transition I was hit with some of the most devastating news I good get. You may know, but at the beginning of the year we had to put Copper to rest. It was the perfect storm. I drained myself empty by not having the familiar faces from the previous company, along with trying to out perform the expectations the new company had for me.

Feb/March came quickly. I wanted to show my appreciation for the women in my family so I took each of them out individually. I think I told them I was doing it for them, but in reality I was probably doing it for me. I needed to be around them. They each got to pick a restaurant, and over the next few weeks I was able to have one night with each of them

 

Spring finally arrived and the winter blues went away. I didn’t walk into this year with goals of doing a triathlon or crit racing. I wasn’t even wanting to get stronger, but for some reason working out became my rest. Not physically, but mentally. It was a way to escape the stress and frustrations of every day adulting. Then somewhere along these rides I became addicted to it even more.

I had my first days off from work/riding in May. It was a vacation that I will remember for years to come even though it was a short weekend. I wish I could have captured those moments better with a camera. Starting a hike in rain and having it slowly turn into snow the higher we went was crazy. None of us were prepared for this weather which is one reason it left such a mark.

 

This was the next day….weather be crazy

I haven’t been into cars as much lately since I can only handle one expensive hobby, but in May I got to help a friend out by taking some photos at a Poker Ride held by the Team Annie Rose Foundation. It was a blast getting to see so many nice cars. They were beautiful to look at in the parking lot, but the sound of them driving away can’t be beat.

 

 

 

Right after the vacation I decided to ride in the Tour de Nash. It has always been an enjoyable ride since it is just around downtown. I spent the time after the ride catching up with a friend from church as he worked the Project 615 tent. That day was what I needed at the time. The community on the bike and off the bike, along with the workout was perfect.

The weekend after the Tour de Nash was another ride, but this one was longer and had more hills. It was a tough 66 miles with over 3,500ft of climbing. I had been riding with a group up until about mile 40 which was the start of the King of the Hill segment. That segment destroyed me and made our group fall apart. I stubbornly decided to not stop at the last rest stop for fluids. Someone told me we only had like 6 miles left, and I was also feeling good. Those last what turned out to be 10+ miles almost ended me as I was fighting cramps in my thighs on the last few hills.

It was around this time that I started to realize I couldn’t get off the bike. I would ride Percy Warner after work or just ride around my neighborhood. I didn’t care who I rode with, or if I rode with anyone. I just wanted to be outside.

 

 

Enter the Summer. Around this time Alex moved to Knoxville which meant I lost my roommate and the person I was probably the closest to. I am not sure if I had ever felt more alone than during this time. I struggled and to this day still deal with it some. I am a bit of a hobbit, but in the past it has always been by choice. I guess not wanting to be alone feels much more different than wanting to. So to fill this time I rode more, swam more, and ran more. Everything I enjoyed I tried to do more. This is when I tried my first crit race. It was embarrassing but so fulfilling. I may not race in 2018, but I really look forward to spending the afternoons at the track.

 

In May I was still down about Copper, but one day my friend Dywuan reached out to me to see if I wanted to help with a dog event at Station 40 apartments. It was the perfect time to spend the afternoon around pets.

 

As Summer rolled on I started to need a break. Cycling was putting a toll on me, and work was really stressful. So my parents were amazing and asked if I wanted to tag along with them for a weekend getaway with my second family. So I got to spend 4 days with the family I lived with during my internship in Ohio. My second mom who I always will love, my second dad who I can always go to for advice on wine and logistics, and then my brothers who I can laugh with (on and off the golf course)

 

 

After this trip I decided I wanted to try a triathlon out. I hadn’t been officially training for one, but I had been cycling and running/swimming some. I was incredibly nervous the morning of the race. The riders staged next to me ended up being very helpful in easing the butterflies as I probably almost had a panic attack during the swim. I finished better than I expected, but I was a bit frustrated that I didn’t try to suffer more during the bike ride.

It was around this time that Alex’s wedding started to approach. I was unsure how I was going to do the day of. Alex is my baby sister, best friend, and the one person who has seen me at my weakest. The wedding showers during the Summer really helped to confirm that I was letting her go to a great family.

 

 

Riding season was coming to an end but that didn’t stop me from treating myself with some new wheels. After a few years my custom built ones were becoming impossible to maintain. With me riding at the track so much more, and also wanting to look the part I bought these beauties. I don’t think they made me faster, but I look good haha. I also was able to participate in the last Ride for Reading book delivery. It happened to be at the elementary I grew up going to which made it that much more special.

 

 

The holidays can be a tough time. Add in the awful weather and it results in me being stuck inside. So I tried to keep myself busy around the household. Riding my trainer, doing workouts in the spare bedroom, or just taking pictures. I also started something new in my journal. At the end of each day I look back at what maybe upset me or stressed me out and come up with a way to be thankful for it.

 

 

There are so many more photos I could share, and def more thoughts. 2017 was a year that pushed me. I was promoted at work in a management position over their Truckload department. I was able to become a stronger rider and swimmer. I became much more involved at church by volunteering, serving on Sundays, and being involved in my small group.

I had some amazing highs in that I got to see my little sister get married, and then I placed 7th out of 76 in my age group for the triathlon. I rode 60% more miles, ran 168% more, but swam 4% less this year vs 2016. I also had the lowest of lows such as Copper passing away from cancer, and then the random nights coming home to an empty house. If there is one thing I know it is that I am stronger than ever because of both of these. I am still undecided on if I will compete/race any, but I do have some personal goals when it comes to fitness and my relationship with God that I plan to knock out of the park. Until next time, I hope everyone had a great ending to 2017. I know I will because I just bought a new mattress, so I plan to enter 2018 refreshed haha.