I am going to be completely honest when I say I have no clue what I am doing. I probably never have. But in the past I have done a good job at convincing myself I knew the direction my life should go. I once completely focused on worldly success. I needed that 6 figure salary, car we all want, that house you love on pinterest, and a marriage people would be jealous of. Sure these things are not bad aspirations, but they shouldn’t be how we measure success or purpose in life. My impact on this world shouldn’t be how well I can put myself together. It should be on how I can help put someone else together.
(Side note, I don’t really know the point of me writing this. I just felt the need to type today and share what is happening in my life.)
Where is the motivation or drive if I am doing everything for myself? Why do I care what society values or believes makes someone complete? To me living that kind of life isn’t sustainable. I don’t want to be that person that hates Mondays, but tells myself it is worth it when i get paid on Friday. I don’t want to get old and see that all I have is a nice car, house, and large bank account.
I have started to realize that I want to look back and see people I have changed. See a friend that is smiling/laughing. That same friend that I was there for in the past when things were tough. See a child realizing they have a purpose that maybe years ago they didn’t believe in. If I can improve someone else’s life, then I have improved mine.
Oh and before anybody thinks I am trying to place myself on some pedestal, just know I am HORRIBLE at all of this. I don’t tell people they matter. I don’t call my friends to see how they are doing as often as I should. But that doesn’t mean I am not trying. Improving my life and someone else’s is a daily challenge, and will never be something I can master.
That being said it is sooooo worth it. I know how much I love a friend reaching out to me even if I don’t show it. So I only hope my random message or setting aside my time for them shows them that I care. After all I am very selfish with my time and most of all my energy.
I don’t want to be an actor to the world. What I mean by that is I don’t want to play some character by smiling and making the world think I have everything under control. I don’t, and doubt many of us really do. Now that I think about it maybe I could have been a successful actor. Hmmm I digress…Some of my best moments and conversations have been when I or others open up about what is really going on in our lives. Being vulnerable makes that relationship stronger and more meaningful.
If I ever ask you how you are doing, please know it isn’t small talk. I really want to know. There are few things more frustrating to me than a person who asks that when you know they don’t care. I couldn’t count how often at work or somewhere else people will ask me a question about my weekend or whatever and it is obvious they have already moved on. Don’t waste my time.
Like I said at the beginning, I don’t know what I am doing. I told myself years ago I need to go a certain direction, and I never listened when it was clear the path was wrong. I told myself I was strong and could handle it. Well guess what Eric, you are weak.
I am done making my own path. I am done planning out what I believe makes me successful, or is my best fit. For now on I am going to listen to what God’s plan is. Where he wants me to be. Only then will I find my direction.
PS….jumping pictures are much better pre-jump
I guess this would be an awkward time to post photos of nice cars……soooo yeah
*Inspirational quote about direction or purpose in life*